Living With a Foster Child
(En Español)
How are children placed with a foster family?
Matching the child and the foster home:
In placing a child in a foster home, agency staff try to find a home
that best suits the child’s needs. A successful match between the
child and the foster home will make all the difference in a child’s
life during an extremely difficult period. It may be helpful to you as
a foster parent to know what factors are considered when a child is placed
in your home:
- Relatives: Are relatives available who would be willing to provide
a safe and suitable placement for the child? This should be the first
consideration before placing a child in a foster home.
- Previous foster home: If the child was previously placed in foster
care, is it appropriate to return to the same foster home? This question
must be considered before looking for another foster home.
- Placing siblings together: If the child already has sisters or brothers
in foster care, can the child be placed in the same home, if appropriate?
If several children need placement, can a home be found where they can
live together? Placing siblings together is mandated by state law, except
when deemed to not be in the child’s best interest.
- Religious background: Has the parent expressed a religious preference in
regard to placement of the child? Where practicable and in the best interests
of the child, the preference regarding religion of a parent will be honored.
- Native American identity: Can a Native American home be found? The
child’s tribe must be notified when placing a Native American
child.
- Neighborhood and school: Can a home be found in the same school district
so that the child does not have to change schools?
- Special Needs: Does the child have special physical, psychological,
or medical needs that require a foster home that is equipped and trained
to handle them? Has the foster home been approved to care for a child
with special needs?
- Emotional considerations: If the child has specific emotional needs,
can a foster home be found that would best meet those needs?
- Other children in the home: If the foster home already has other children
(biological or foster), is this placement an appropriate one?
Agencies may not routinely consider race, cultural or ethnic origin in making placement decisions. These factors may be considered only on an individualized basis where special circumstances exist.
How placement affects children:
Children can feel severe personal loss when separated from their families.
They have lost the most important people in their lives – their
parents, brothers, and sisters. They have lost their familiar pattern
of living. They have lost their homes and the places that make up their
own worlds.
Children’s reactions to separation vary. Their emotional development
is interrupted. They often feel abandoned and helpless, worthless, and
even responsible for the family’s breakup. They may try to punish
themselves. In general, the adjustment period for foster children typically
follows a pattern that includes:
- Moving toward the foster family (a honeymoon period, during which
the child is cooperative and well behaved but feels numb or anxious).
- Moving away from the foster family (a period of withdrawal, during
which the child is hesitant, feels depressed and distrustful, and seeks
solitude).
- Moving against the foster family (during which the child is rebellious
and demanding, expressing anger and hostility).
Welcoming a child into your home:
The child who comes into your home will need to adjust to many things.
Everything is new. There are new parents, perhaps new sisters and brothers,
a new house, new foods, new rules and expectations, a new neighborhood,
and possibly a new school.
It is hard for children to leave their homes and find themselves in strange
new surroundings. To deal with this, children may fantasize about the
positive qualities of their own parents, their own home, and their neighborhood.
They may not want to get involved in a foster family’s routine and
activities out of a sense of loyalty to their own family. Outbursts of
angry, aggressive language or behavior may occur, such as cursing or slamming
doors. Even if they show no emotion, many questions, fears, and anxieties
about the future may fill their thoughts and dreams. The child needs your
understanding, patience, and support when settling into your home.
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What is the foster parent’s role with the birth
parents of a child?
As a foster parent, you are a member of a team
with the caseworker, the child’s parents (if possible) and/or other
relatives, and the child’s law guardian, along with service providers
and health care providers. This means that you are not alone in caring
for the child. You have support.
It also means that you meet with the child’s family in visits and
case conferences and you keep the caseworker up-to-date on how the child
is doing.
Below are examples of what some foster parents have done to help create
and maintain a working relationship with their foster child’s parents:
- Praise and recognize decisions and activities related to positive
parenting.
- Make scrapbooks or photo albums containing mementos for the child.
- Construct a family tree or a “Life Book” with the child.
- Send parents a birthday or holiday card.
Some suggested topics for discussions between foster parents and birth
parents include:
- School conferences, school functions, and PTA meetings.
- The child’s clothing and shopping plans.
- The child’s health, behavior, or school experience.
- The child’s social activities, relationships (including siblings),
social development, and special needs.
- The child’s visits to the doctor and dentist.
- Plans for holidays that are special to the child (e.g. birthday parties,
graduations, and holiday celebrations).
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What if I decide to adopt a foster child?
Some parents are certain that they want to adopt the child in their care.
Others are not so sure. Such an important decision should be made on a
rational basis, not on emotions alone. Even if you feel clear about your
decision, answering the following questions may help you find out whether
you are ready or not:
- Can I accept the child unconditionally? Can I accept the child’s
past?
- Can we make a lifetime commitment?
- Have I realistically evaluated the child’s needs and problems?
- Do we have the abilities, resources, and energy to meet those needs
and face those problems?
- Are other members of the household positive about the idea of adopting?
- What effect will adoption have on our family?
- Should age and health (of both foster parents and child) be taken
into account? If so, who will care for the child if we die or become
disabled?
- Does the child have siblings who are also freed for adoption?
- What, if any, will be the child’s connection to the birth family?
If you choose not to adopt, the agency will begin looking for an appropriate
adoptive family for the child. During this time, you can help prepare
the child for the change. Such preparation generally improves the chances
that adoption will be successful.
For more information about adoption, please visit the
OCFS Adoption Album website or contact your local department of social services.
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